


even if saving you sends me to heaven

by vindicatedtruth (behindtintedglass)



Series: what I believe in (is you) [2]
Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 06:03:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11052831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/behindtintedglass/pseuds/vindicatedtruth
Summary: John doesn't believe in God.





	even if saving you sends me to heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this photoset](http://vindicatedtruth.tumblr.com/post/161272825249/irrelevantcrimes-he-means-a-great-deal-to).

" _It's not over, John."_

_"We'll get you out of there, John."_

_"I'm not leaving you here, John."_

_"John.  You're dying.  Let us help you."_

—

John doesn’t believe in God.  He has long since stopped believing in an invisible Deity’s omniscience and power when so many people are dying all around him and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.  

He especially stopped believing when he _tried_ to do something about it, and instead he ended up being the one damned to Hell.

(He wonders at the existence of Hell in the first place, because he can think of so many people in this earth that are worse than demons, so many situations in which sending them to a theoretical Underworld might have been the more merciful option.)

He’s beginning to believe, however, in the existence of guardian angels.  And it amuses him now to realise that his perception of them is altered.  

Guardian angels don’t necessarily have wings.  Sometimes they have a limp from the time they were almost blown apart, had they mistakenly taken just one step forward to save the one man whose friendship they held dear above all.

(Nathan was more than a ward; he was the reason for this angel to finally understand and own up to his own humanity.)

Guardian angels don’t necessarily break into song.  Sometimes, it’s the dry wit of a voice in his ear, not quite hiding the tempered concern for his safety and well-being whenever he barges headfirst into trouble, reminding him that there’s more at stake than just his own life now.

(He realises that whenever something happens to him, his guardian angel takes the burnt of the pain, and he can’t allow that to happen; he won’t leave behind his angel when all they’ve ever done for him is save him.

Perhaps saving his angel begins with saving himself.)

Guardian angels don’t necessarily have divine superpower.  Sometimes it comes in the form of a brilliant brain and capable hands that together created a _digital_ superpower that can either break the world or remake it, and it’s just their luck that this fallen angel has instead chosen to save the world that has long since damned them into the hell of loneliness.

Guardian angels aren’t necessarily immortal.  But sometimes, they shine so brightly that their light lingers ever after, obliterating the darkest corners of the world, so people’s lives last just a little bit longer, and they don’t have to walk in the shadows anymore.  

Guardian angels don’t necessarily promise forever.  Instead, they promise _always._

And most of all, guardian angels aren’t necessarily the most intelligent of creatures.  Because logic would dictate that they stay away from danger, that they put self-preservation first in order for them to be able to do their jobs of saving the lives of many.

Instead, they illogically put their lives on the line to save the life of just _one._

Then again, it’s something that John is beginning to understand.  Sometimes, even when it’s just one life, if it’s the right life, it’s enough.

Guardian angels aren’t supposed to save murderers like him.  Then again, guardian angels have the biggest, strongest hearts he has ever known, even as they are also the most broken.

That’s what makes them more than human, John realises.  Because they are capable of enduring _more_ than what a normal human being can.  Because they can hurt so badly, and still love with an intensity that can _burn_ his past sins into nothing but ashes blown away by the hushed laughter over shared eggs benedict and sencha green and sugary donuts with sprinkles that their dog also loves.

Maybe, John thinks, he’s a guardian angel himself.  How else can he explain this _feeling_ he has to fight everyday to contain, sometimes so intense it feels like his chest will _burst_ with it, like the bomb that should’ve exploded that night on the rooftop is _nothing_ compared to the explosion of what he feels for the man who saved him then, and saves him still, over and over and over again.

(His guardian angel.   _His_.)

And what he feels… this is not normal for a human being.  Not when he’s ready to burn the world, and damn the consequences, just to make sure no one will ever take away Harold from him ever again.

Maybe, John thinks, this is what makes him perfect as a guardian angel, too.  Because there is nothing he wouldn’t do to save Harold, even if it means creating in this cursed world a Heaven he doesn’t believe in, just for him.

Even if it means it’s a Heaven he won’t ever live to see, himself.

It doesn’t matter, anyway, because Heaven has nothing on this.  And _this,_ this is the touch of Harold’s hand, his voice in his ear, his beautifully expressive eyes gazing at him, his smile offered to him, _because_ of him.

He doesn’t need to know anymore what Heaven is like, because Harold has already given him something better.  He has given John a purpose, a second chance to balance the scale in a world full of people killing each other and hurting each other and _leaving_ each other.

Harold has given him what he once thought was impossible for him to have: a life well-lived.  A life that isn’t spent alone.  A life filled with _love_.

And if it means leaving behind this life with Harold, then he’d rather take his chance with Hell, than see Heaven without him.


End file.
